Miscarriage is a word that is often only whispered.
But that doesn’t mean it isn’t common. I don’t even know why this is such a taboo subject. And I honestly never knew how many other women went through it until I publicly shared my experience. Why do we suffer in silence?
When we found out we were miscarrying, I can’t even begin to describe the emotional rollercoaster I was on. We spent hours in the emergency room who filled our heads with false hope (but that’s a story for another blog entry). I went home and looked for comfort and assurance online. It wasn’t that I wasn’t getting it from my partner but he “didn’t get it.” His grieving process was different than mine. His first priority was to make sure I was ok. But I was not. I felt like no one understood. I didn’t feel heard. Or seen. But I was unable to verbally communicate what my brain was saying. And what I needed.
I would spend the nights where I didn’t cry myse lf to sleep, online reading articles from other women. Some of them I felt were written as if they were inside my soul. But still none of them gave me ALL of what I needed. I needed to know I wasn’t alone but I also needed to know what to expect moving forward. I needed to know what NO ONE WILL TELL YOU.
So here we are. If you are surfing, looking for comfort. If you are suffering in silence. It doesn’t matter if it happened yesterday or some time ago. If you are grieving a loss of something YOU created….first, here’s a hug 🤗. Secondly, I am genuinely sorry. Thirdly, here are some things no one will tell you, which I pray will give you whatever it is you’re in need of.
THERE WAS NOTHING YOU COULD DO. IT WAS NOTHING YOU DID – You will question what you did wrong. Or what you could’ve done differently. Maybe I should’ve taken it easy. Did I really need to carry the laundry basket? Was I stressed? Did I overthink? Statistically speaking, 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage. Most of them will happen within the first 10 weeks. While there may be chromosomal problems, pre-existing health conditions, or a uterine problem which may have resulted in this spontaneous loss, most of thetime the cause is unknown. You did not fail. And I know it’s hard to escape the sense of self blame but, as much as it hurts, as bad as it sucks….it just….happened.
YOU WILL BE LOST ON WHEN TO TRY AGAIN, AND THATS OK – After we experienced our miscarriage my GYN immediately forced me into trying again. Every visit was filled with medication. Although I didn’t decline the treatment, mentally I was still grieving. I wasn’t prepared to get pregnant again knowing there was a chance I could lose yet another baby. It’s ok to take your time to grieve your loss. Only you know when you’re ready.
IF YOU ARE READY TO TRY AGAIN, IT MAY NOT HAPPEN IMMEDIATELY – in my readings and even per my GYN most women who experienced a miscarriage were able to conceive again within 3 months. That did not happen for me. It may not for you either. I’m not saying it won’t, but no expectation no disappointment. I expected that “within 3 months” timeframe because that is what was given. Give yourself grace.
PEOPLE WONT KNOW HOW TO CONSOLE YOU – because no one really talks about miscarriages, no one really knows what to say to someone going through it. None of the comments I heard were helpful. “It wasn’t time.” “ You’re still young.” “Trust Gods plan.” Although all valid, it’s STILL not what we want to hear right? No one will know what to say, don’t expect them to. Now don’t get me wrong, many simply said, “I’m sorry for your loss.” And that’s all we need from you. Don’t try to explain it or justify it or talk about your friend who went on to have a bunch of babies. Just be present with them.
YOU WILL CRY, A-LOT – Could be hormonal, could be from the pain, could be trauma related, could be all of the above. I distinctly remember standing in the middle of the bedroom floor sobbing on my partners chest. I was Uber emotional. I was confused. Hurt. In pain. And guess what? It’s ok.
THE GRIEF DOESN’T JUST GO AWAY – there is no expiration date on grief. Life will go on, but it will still hurt. It will still linger in the back of your mind. You will always remember.
I never expected to be 1 in 4 but yet I am hanging on in my belief that MY experience is what I needed. It pushed me to use my voice. To say the word miscarriage out loud. To no longer suffer in silence.
You are not alone.